TheAwesomely improbable SGA PORN Master list!!! UPDATE:02/11/07

[korilian]

Okay so I love porn just as much as the next twenty something gall. But when you read as much fanfic as I do, it does tend to blur together. Every now and then I find myself craving something wilder then the average BSDM doubledicking drabble.

Thankfully this cracktastic little Fandom of ours is happy to . Penquin sex? Tentacles? Dragons and giant wings, oh my! Porn that is just plain physically improbable?!? You bet!

So without further ado I give you the very best of 

PORN!

The: 'That must chafe' list

Oh My by chaps1870
What is is? Mckay/Sheppard/Beckett and a big bed, with Idiot!Ford and Voyeur!Weir as added bonus.
Why does it hurt us? ...But, but, but, you made him come like three times in ten minutes! And everyone keeps screaming in BOLD LETTERS and in the end they faint from the hot!

Get your own by mithreon
What is it? Jealous!John (who thinks the hight of pick up lines is: "Bend over Rodney") and bottomless bottom!Rodney get it on
Why does it hurt us? Mithreon has the best combination of penis euphemisms and impossible sex that I've seen for some time and is having such and obvious good time with it too! One shot every time John forgets about the lube.

We'll get to it later by morebliss
What is it? John and Rodney kinking it up before they figure out they luuuve each other.
Why does it hurt us? "John once fucked Rodney as he was leaning over an off-world DHD trying to fix it." ...but... isn't the access panel underneath the dialing pad? Bendy.

Broad cast signal by seperis
What is it? John and Rodney. Ronon and some marines and a biologist and just what the hell has Elizabeth been doing that's she can't even sit properly?!?
Why does it hurt us? It's either the impossible sixty orgasms or the fact that Rodney actually bested Cadman in a fist fight. Awesome!

Feeding Frenzy by astolat
What is it? Everyone/Everyone.
Why does it hurt us? ...Didn't I just mention the everyone/everyone bit? Did I forget to add that they keep doing it continuously? This truly is a GEM amongst orgy fic. 

I can have this by telesilla
What is it? John's first gang bang (with bonus OT4)
Why does it hurt us? I honestly don't have a clue if you can do this of without doing yourself injury, but it's awesome, so go read! 

What if by shusu(part of the Rent boy AU
What is it? Yet another John gang bang. This time orchestrated by Rodney as a gift for his prostitute boy toy.
Why does it hurt us? Shusu has the whole of high society go down on John! It's kind of awesome. More then the porn though (which goes on and on and on), I was fascinated by her mysteriously wealthy Rodney, whose background is never really explained. I think he might be a mobster... or a pirate (or maybe he just has the patent on post its).

The gang bangs will continue until morale improves by korilian
What is it? John gives Rodney to the marines as a butt-toy.
Why does it hurt us? I figured you couldn't host crack porn, without writing some, so here's my own admission. In what kind of weird ass universe do these guy's live that Sheppard can just round up a platoon to fuck  his boyfriend?


The 'Can I have some tentacles with that?' list

The upside of having Wraith DNA by tziand zaganthi
What is it? Let's put it like this: Have you ever seen Overfiend?
Why does it hurt us? Oh hell, who wouldn't have sex with Rodney, even if he did get turned into a blurbing stumpy, tentacled monster.

An aesthetic solitary thing by eliade
What is it? Rodney going into Pon Far and John being okay with that.
Why does it hurt us? Well, I mean, Rodney's recovery time in this is amazing! ...but he's also an alien in Pon Far so, you know, obviously that's perfectly ordinary for an Esnun. It's great though and makes me wish there was lots and lots of fic out there where they find out Rodney been an alien all along... or any other creature for that matter.

A lovers embrace by mckays_girl(prompt six)
What is it? After a miss hap in the lab, Rodney grows tentacle penises. Of course this is a big turn on for John.
Why does it hurt us? Just because they look like penises, doesn't mean they are! What if instead of semen, they'd ended up squirting acid or poison!?!? You really want to just stick that in your orfices? Also, tentacle porn! Duh!

The tale by overchay
What is it? Rodney grows a tail. It has a mind of it's own.
Why does it hurt us? First off... the title... *IZ DED at the lame pun*. The descriptions of Rodney's facial expressions will crack you up! And that's before we even get to the clever use of a tail in porn. I picture Rodney's tail to be all hairy and black, like a cats because that would look adorable. A hairless ratty tail, on the other hand, would look pretty hideous, but there would be far less issues with the clean up. I mean, just think about where that thing has been!


The 'Disturbing social mores' list

Mostly harmless by astolat
What is it? John and Rodney get raped by Tribbles.
Why does it hurt us? They like it.

How Zelenka's crush made for weird events between Rodney and John by wpadmirer
What is it? Rodney likes to jerk off over porn with friends and John is just as a-sexual as he often appears (and kind of gay). Now this is what I call sex ed people!
Why does it hurt us? OMG he just pulls it out in front of company! Do guys do that? Oddly enough, when it comes to characterizing Rodney, it can be really hard to determine whether he'd be total prude, or a liberal sex god! He works either way. He's got LAYERS that man! 

You say it's your birthday by Sheppard_girl
What is it? Straight!John rapes Rodney for his birthday (and hacks his computer... Yeah right!)
Why does it hurt us? Oh boy. People don't necessarily want to act out all their fantasies you know. And a rape fantasy, where only one of the participants knows up front it's just play... Is that even still a fantasy? I mean, he has a knife! Also Rodney's password = thirty digits with numbers and letters and wacky symbols. Not the name of his cat!


The 'sexy beast' list

Dragon spin by Night_Spring
What is it? One day Rodney just wakes up as a dragon. He mostly freaks out about never having sex again. Fortunately Sheppard still thinks he's pretty.
Why does it hurt us? Oh those jaded Atlanteans. Sheppard sure as hell doesn't hesitate long about giving a guy (or dragon) a hand. Also; Snake penises! There should be more snake penis fic! lavvyans kink if I remember correctly? 

The gift of pebbles by Leah
What is it? John and Rodney turn into penguins and have penguin sex. It's all very romantic.
Why does it hurt us? Just picture for a moment, General O'Neill watching the penguin sex and deciding that yes, OR COURSE Rodney would have the better technique! And then there is the bitterness of the female doctor when it is confirmed once again that every man on Atlantis is gayer then a Christmas tree! Pegasus B.


And then there's... eh...?!?

Echoes by samara_draven
What is it? Angsty hurt/comfort and... talking penises.
Why does it hurt us? TALKING PENISES! For the love of GOD, what is the deal with the talking penises!


THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR LOVELY SUGGESTIONS!
This list will be an ongoing work. Suggestions are very welcome, as long as the sex is physically improbable, requires extra limbs or tentacles or if it's just plain hilarious!

If you liked this list, check out the Deranged Mckay master list

Comments

[bentrumors.livejournal.com]

OMG *adds to memories* Thank you for doing this. I can always use a good laugh on a bad day. *g*

[korilian.livejournal.com]

Your welcome. Feel free to pass on any further suggestions.

[debris_k.livejournal.com]

ZOMG, *finally* someone with enough balls brains to speak up about all the very very bad, evil, good-god-a-human-penis-does-NOT-bend-that-way awesomest pron SGA fics out there. (You forgot the one in which raped&traumatized Rodney is healed in great heaping leaps&bounds coddled in lovely schmoop by John's even-psychological-damage-healing-magical penis a remorseful John, but I'm dreading looking forward to reading most of these just as well! ;-D)

[gardenprophet.livejournal.com]

Oh god! The magical rape-healing-and-undoing penis! How could I forget!?

My god, if I had a quarter for the number of times I've wanted to stab seen an author who uses that trope... Good sex does not 'heal' bad sex! GYAAH! It's not like math, where adding positives can bring you out of a negative balance! It's sex, not your check book!

[debris_k.livejournal.com]

Hey, maybe they figure it's like the more complex side of math - two negatives making a positive? In this case, a bad experience for the character + a bad experience for the reader = ...erm, I good experience for... who? The writer?? *blink blink* OK, I admit I've stumped myself with that one. ^.^

[korilian.livejournal.com]

Oh god, don't even speak to me about the healing penis!

I'm definetely gonna need more fic for the list though. I really want some that aren't tongue in cheek.

[debris_k.livejournal.com]

Hmm... if you expound on what composes a "tongue in cheek" badfic for you, I might be able to come up with at least one rec. I think, at least. Brain tends to shut down all memory after a particularly vicious OOC-out-the-wazoo fic...

Ever read the SG-1 AU Jack/Daniel in which the guys are sooo schmoopily out of character that they make 14-year-old girls look grown up and mature in comparison? *shudders* I don't think that particular author has written in SGA (yet), but I fear the day I see that story recced with full praises again somewhere...

[korilian.livejournal.com]

By tongue in cheek I basically mean authors who know that their stories would be impossible in RL, and who are usually having fun with the cliche. This opposed to the many, many, writers who actually seem to believe that this is how sex works. *head desk*

You can usually tell the difference by the quality of the writing. ;)

[tazzles.livejournal.com]

:sniggers: Nice to see I'm not the only one that gets a bit sick of the porn.

I'll have to read these when I'm in need of some laughs. Thanks for taking the time to compile the list, and for sharing it.

[korilian.livejournal.com]

Well it's all the same! I'm serious. Foreplay in various forms (blowjob, handjob, a little prepping). A slow slide inside and then John just bites Rodney a lot! (what is the deal with the biting?!?!)

[puritybrown.livejournal.com]

How about Mostly Harmless (http://intimations.org/fanfic/stargate/MostlyHarmless.html) by astolat? John and Rodney get raped by Tribbles and enjoy it.

"Oh my god," John said, as his pants got opened and his jacket got unzipped and the feelers started wandering over his bare skin. They felt bizarrely soft, silky and frictionless, and the air was smelling like a kitchen full of baking and flowers, and he was not not not getting turned on by the crazy alien monsters, even a little, no matter how long it had been --

"Oh my god, yes," Rodney said, sounding drugged, blissful.

"Rodney!" John turned his head and stared over at him outraged.

"Oh, shut up, this one's practically giving me a handjob, what do you want from me," Rodney ground out, eyes shut, and shuddered; his cock was jutting out of his boxers, thick and wrapped around with the delicate feelers.

Pure crack.

[korilian.livejournal.com]

Good enough for me! Thanks a lot! :)

[infinimato.livejournal.com]

I Can Have This (http://telesilla.livejournal.com/548128.html). Where Sheppard says, "Really, I'd love a good gangbang." So he gets one.

[korilian.livejournal.com]

OMG! I'm reading it now, but it sounds like a winner!

Thanks!

[telesilla.livejournal.com]

I honestly don't know if you can do that without doing yourself an injury but it's such a fun trope and how often can you say "hey I wrote (mostly) gay gangbang fic for my girlfriend?" *grins*

Speaking of improbable gang bangs, you might want to add shusu's gang bang piece What If. It's part of her Rentboy 'verse and is another Insatiable!John fic.

Re: Thanks!

[korilian.livejournal.com]

You must be the best boy? girl?friend ever! I love it when people proof to be more fun and shameless then society thinks they should be!

Tragically I won't get to check them out until tomorrow (because, its way to late to start on any new fanfic right now... if I want to keep up any healthy sleeping rythem that is).

*snickers*

[telesilla.livejournal.com]

I've been coming by one in a while to see if anything's been added to the list, and was quite amused to see that "I Can Have This" has been added. Thanks for the compliment. :)

Re: *snickers*

[korilian.livejournal.com]

Nono. Thank you for writing it! :)

Re: *snickers*

[infinimato.livejournal.com]

But ... it's so perfectly beautifully cracked out whacky goodness of wtf?!? ;-)

[droolfangrrl.livejournal.com]

But I _like_ cracked out, innacurate fic.

[korilian.livejournal.com]

Who doesn't! :)

[slashbluegreen.livejournal.com]

OMG it's perfect! More more more?

[libra-traveller.livejournal.com]

Very new story by mckays_girl Tentacle Porn (http://mckays-girl.livejournal.com/40419.html?#cutid6)

[libra-traveller.livejournal.com]

It's called, A Lover's Embrace

[korilian.livejournal.com]

Haha! I totally recced that independently already, because Tentacle porn is tha BOMB! I forget about this list for a while. This and other updates added! thank you so much.

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Hullo -- I was poking through lothy's recs and wound up here. I've been giggling quietly at work over your descriptions all through this list, so thanks for the laugh!

[skaredykat.livejournal.com]

Are you still taking suggestions for additions to this list? (As a not-that-longtime reader of SGA fic, I <3 all of your very entertaining SGA masterlists.) If you are, there's:

zortified's Fowl Pleasure (http://gila.faking-sanity.net/stargate/foulpleasure.html). Threesome Beckett/McKay/AUpenguin!Beckett

I'm sad-surprised that this human!Rodney/dolphin!John badfic parody (http://www.livejournal.com/users/svmadelyn/321001.html?thread=3941097#t3941097) did not end up generating more blowhole porn.

Would quasar's classic "fisting with not-yet-fully-grown regenerated hand" fic (http://community.livejournal.com/sga_flashfic/478201.html) measure up as improbable enough? Bonus: scene where Caldwell is kind and concerned.

In Quality Time (http://mandysbitch.livejournal.com/196310.html) by mandysbitch Rodney is very bendy, never sore, and spends more time fucking everyone on Atlantis (on a schedule) than working in the labs or off-world. Bonus: Caldwell has notable sexytime talents.

How about puddleofgoo's fantasy (non-AU Atlantis-based) lifestyley BDSM series A Life Less Ordinary (http://puddle-of-goo.livejournal.com/23730.html)? More than a million words so far of John and Rodney going at it like Energizer bunnies who can come 3, 4, 5 times a night without magical de-aging devices or PegasusViagra. Rodney never getting a sore ass unless it's been banged more than 4 times in 24 hours. Plugs are forever. At least once per story either Rodney or John being turned into a puddle of goo by something the other did. (Plus! The boys expressing their feelings and respect for each other all the time, bondage-gear-supplying Teyla, confused-inconsistent Carson, turned-on Elizabeth, expose-your-inner-top Heightmeyer, let's-go-shopping!John, and more.)

Are "we didn't know we were fucking" stories improbable enough? Two come to mind: Helen's This Gun's For Hire (http://helenish.talkoncorners.net/gun.html) starts out with John and Rodney persistently unable to remember that they're having kind of a lot of sex. The second one is thingswithwings' Read My Mind (http://thingswithwings.livejournal.com/25459.html), which offers--oh, those wacky ancients--all the goodness of mind-controlled fucking-machine tentacle porn.